OK. I am a positive and hopeful person. Sometimes maybe too hopeful. But I'm having a rough day and doubts are creeping in. I'm telling myself things that aren't helpful. I know cognitively they are not helpful, but I've already slid down the slippery slope and feel pretty bad now. There's hope and there's reality. I truly don't know where I'm expecting this push with music I've been on to go from here. I am not sure where it even CAN go since I no longer have the means to produce the kind of music I've made - I'm trying to write but there's so much laying heavily on my shoulders, it's exhausting. The number of hurdles I'll need to overcome at this point are even higher than those I've already jumped. And like I said, I'm exhausted. I want to be able to go out and play. I cannot. I'm sad that bands have asked me to play with them - I have no means to do that right now. If I did, I'd still need to address the damage to the mouth. Doubt is a demon. Right now my Agent Cage from the X-Mind villians has captured me again and I think Quiver is in on it too. Depression and Anxiety. Formidable duo. I just want to kick their asses. But it's the situation too. I'm in a literal cage that I'll need to win the lottery to escape. For this, I got a Ph.D.? Too bad the myth about bad things happening to bad people really is alive and well when it comes to income. I took so many things for granted in the past. Think about having to choose between doing bedding laundry by hand or affording to pay for a cell service. Do you know how hard it is to wring out sheets by hand and find a place inside tall enough to get them dry? I do. Basically use a staple gun to rig a make-shift clothes line across the biggest room and make sure they don't drip on your guitar and keyboard .. That was a simple choice though, since it's not just paying for using a laundry mat, it's also paying for an uber big enough to get you there with huge bins full of dirty clothes, then back.. I think both of those examples were a bit extravagent . There are more basic needs we have to choose between, but that example came to mind since I'm sitting under a sheet that just dripped. Regardless, I'm just saying there's hurdles. A lot of hurdles - hurdles that are so distracting, I'm not able to find the time I need to even concentrate on writing a new song. I have a lot of mumbled melodies, bass lines, riffs I've recorded on my cell phone etc.. I have some lyrics. It's been slow putting it all together and I'm out of practice. Honestly, if this album were to actually sell, it's be a game changer for a while. It'd be a game changer even if it sells a little. But I don't know if that's really going to happen despite how high the songs have gotten globally on www.n1m.com/manifestfrequency
I've had the top 3 spots for a couple of months, although I've slipped as of today since I had to lower my campaign bids. But it doesn't mean all the rankings translate to sales. Today is the 2 month anniversary of the album release. Earnings reports can take 2-3 months for some streaming services, but I keep seeing I've only had a total of 12 streams on Spotify for example and no sales reported overall. I know that's not true, but I really don't know much. I know I'm not doing the things it would usually take to get the following needed for sales, such as playing live or touring. I'm not doing live videos (I want to but we've discussed the teeth and I'm vain lol.. but I'll wear a mask if necessary for me to eventually start being able to do that). Keep in mind that a few months ago I wasn't even on social media at all, so my efforts with this have been at warp speed (not a huge fan of shameless promotion whatseover... so that's not helping... nor is the fact that I've had to learn while doing and only just figured out how to use the video creation app I have to make different canvas sizes for platforms like Instagram and TikTok.. Ugh..lol )
But I AM learning and fortunately I'm utterly hyperfocused when creating videos... I actually am going to redo the 1st ones I created for Nurture and Breathe. I know the video creator/editor app so much better now. But this is all an ADHD person's nightmare! My worst case scenario has always been having no set schedule or deadline. Having to prioritize, avoid distractions, stay organized and get started on tasks that are unpleasant are all things that are absolutely necessary when you are not able to leave a setting and don't have a real-life deadline (like a show etc.) for anything. Of course, we can't forget the need for more immediate gratification ...
I've learned not to expect that over the past years, though. So, along with the monsters Cage and Quiver, I forgot to add my old nemeses, Zone (Distractibility; Staying on Task) and Pulse (Impulsivity etc) - the villians who helped me create the X-Minds idea. Well, crap. We're gonna have to add Quake (usually relating to behavioral disorders, but also causes overreactions to disapointments.... I might be doing that to some perceived ones... not sure... but damnit I'm tired and overwhelmed so I'll cry if I want to!) Anyhoo, my fingers are typing away and I have no idea how far afield I've strayed from what points I was trying to make - or even what they were. Yep - Zone F**ker again. lol I think the point was... I'm having a bad day. Now I realized what time it was and it's about to get worse because I've typed instead of feeding a "robust" 17 year old tortie who's apparently been yelling at me for her dinner for some time. Crap. (literally since she does stinky poo on demand when she doesn't get her way.. no lie.. it's a skill). I think I feel better now, though.
